Would someone please review this story please?

Wow! that was really good! I tried to write something like that, but i wrote the other one instead. I like the flow of the writing and how your beginning sentance really grabbed me. In my story, i have a tough time taking out all the I's in the story. Like "I did this and I did that" It gets tangled up and doesn't grab people like you did. I really felt like i wanted to beat up that mean dude myself! oh and you should check out my profile on yahoo answers... I found Barack Obama and he's in my contacts!!!!